My brother Raghav was the kind of person who knew when to slow down and truly live in a moment, not just with his eyes but also with his soul. Be it a sunset, the night sky, a butterfly, or a rainbow, he would give due credit to all these little things that the rest of us seem to always take for granted.
On 6th January 2019, we lost him to suicide.
Raghav was three years younger than me. Like most sibling relationships, ours too was fraught with fights, arguments, bickering, but also with a lot of love.
I would very often tease and irritate him, so much so that people often mistook me to be the younger one.
While years have now passed since that night, the hurt, guilt, anger, and pain still remains.
Even early on Raghav was quite mature for his age. He was an extremely sensitive soul and would always take time to open up to others. But once he did he was a joy to be around.
I miss him. And no matter how many times I say these words, the pain refuses to leave me. He was my best friend, confidante, and my biggest cheerleader.
Our family was completely blindsided by what happened – none of us saw it coming. The days that followed were very difficult. We felt grief, trauma, and most of all we felt guilty.
I couldn’t sleep, cried almost every night, and would have nightmares and flashbacks. I eventually told my parents that I needed help. This was in May last year. They took me to a doctor and I was diagnosed with Clinical Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
I was put on medication. At first, I didn’t tell anyone about this. I’m not sure why. I guess I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.
I slowly started getting better and I knew that the medication and therapy sessions, combined with my efforts were starting to make a difference. The activity that really helped me cope though was talking about my grief. I started using social media as a platform to talk about my trauma and struggles. That was when other people started sharing their own stories and we formed a community. This gave me a purpose.
I decided to take a year off after finishing college to be with my family and work on many campaigns surrounding mental health awareness and suicide prevention.
In July last year, I started a petition asking the government to launch a National Helpline Number for Suicide Prevention in India which has received more than 3.9 lakh signatures. It led to the creation of the KIRAN mental health rehabilitation helpline number 1800-599-0019, which was launched by the Ministry of Social Justice and Empowerment on 7th September 2020. This was a huge victory for us as a nation.
Today, I conduct workshops and sessions on suicide prevention in schools and colleges. I’ve decided to dedicate my life to this cause. From my loss stemmed a purpose that I never thought I would find.
We have also published a book in Raghav’s memory. It’s called, “Liberation Through The Bridge of Insanity”. It is a collection of poems, narratives, and short stories written by him during the 18 years that he was with us. We wanted to immortalise him through his writings.
I often ask myself, “Did I miss something? Could I have helped somehow?” I don’t have the answers. And I doubt I will ever find them. The best piece of advice I received was, “Once you accept that many, if not most, of your questions, will never be answered, you can start to move forward.”
Some days are hard but he always told me, “Di yaar, tum toh kuch bhi kar sakti ho.” (Sister, you can do anything you set your mind to.)
I’m trying to live up to that. The way he saw me: No judgments, only love and admiration.
This keeps me going.
