ANGEL • FEMALE • 24 • HYDERABAD
In 2017, after facing complications in my academic career, I went into depression. Despite developing a strong self-identity living through a troublesome childhood, I thought everyone around me gave up on me, and so did I. Things took a worse turn when I joined undergrad; with already low self-esteem and self-blaming, I was very vulnerable to negativity.
In one semester of my first year, I started feeling unsettled as one of my classmates had issues with me. Time would mend the issue, I thought, but I was wrong. The person slowly started making it their only ambition to bully and humiliate me every day. So, I thought that if I stayed silent and didn’t react, it would slowly fade away. But I was wrong again. Things started getting worse when I started getting myself into a depressive bubble and away from people. I was that girl that everyone in college knew had no friends or nobody. My few toxic friends did nothing to help me. By halfway through the second year, I was severely anemic, and underweight. I decided to drop out of college as my health was deteriorating, and I felt alone, suicidal, and mentally ill, and started having auditory and visual (suicidal) hallucinations. Moreover, people and situations around me only ignited it.
I went home hoping to start somewhere else, but everything about my life was already irreversibly damaged. My perception of life changed; I felt no connection toward anyone, including my own family. I had no sense of self except constant fear, panic attacks, overwhelming sadness, anxiety, and ill thoughts. If only words could describe the pain.
A few months later, after working on my physical health due to the push from my family, I went back to college, continuing my education with the same classmates and bullies. Things didn’t change, and so was my mental health. I could feel the illness and pain in my head, and the only form of relief came from the idea of suicide. I felt like a coward for not doing it, felt like a coward for still holding onto hope and faith even through that struggle. New years came and went, but nothing changed.
When India went into lockdown due to the Covid pandemic, I was around finishing my third year. Classes went online, and it was the only good thing that happened in my life in many years. I finished my degree and graduated (online). Started taking therapy and having a better hold on hope and what it means in life. I still struggle with anxiety, but I now am surrounded by understanding friends and a better, peaceful life.
The single ray of faith I had in God, in the hope that I could reach the end of the tunnel someday or other, has kept me alive (Philippians 4:13). Now I don’t feel like a coward for choosing to stay alive but rather grateful that I persevered through it to exercise my free will again over my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Hopefully, I continue to grow and live a healthy life.
