I got the bed that I wanted. the isolated one among the four from where I can see the hallway and observe the passers for eternity. There are many different kinds. calling them ‘mental’ wouldn’t do justice. At first, when I came here, I had decided that only an epiphany could make me stay here for 2 weeks. But now that I am here, sitting on the bed and looking at others, I rather feel I am best in this edifice, but worst outside this. The well built guy pacing back and forth all through the hallway has his own thoughts, his own world inside his head and some unknown furtive friend whom he talks to round the clock. He fights with him, talks to him and laughs with him. dementia isn’t just a disorder, it’s a whole different word inside one’s head.
Then there is a girl, thin like a tendril, has a permanent expression on her face as if constipated, and always walks across the hallway grabbing someone’s hand squeezingly. She has a fear that people might leave her one day and she will be left all alone. Beside me is a women in sixties admitted for feeling suffocated at times. Her attendant is a man in 70s and is old weary enough to be one. But he is sat in a chair constantly.
And I? I sit and stare at the wall for hours. I think about my lost dad all day long. the sadness feels like eddish. every evening the psychologist mows the sadness and every morn its fresh and long again. every day, I feel ill at ease for I wait for the main visitor in the visiting hour to come and see me. why does he not feel the angst to meet me the way I did when I used to wait in line before ICU only to catch his glimpse and realise he doesn’t recognise me anymore?
I feel immured here. the hallway is like a drop in the ocean that is the distance I want to walk. I want to escape, and walk miles. a million miles. I want to walk under the sun, in the rains, in the tempests and I want to find him. I have an obstinate birdie in my mind that tells me he is somewhere on this earth and I should run and find him. I’ll surly see him. And on that splendiferously glorious day, that place will be a firmament in the midst of earth. He will gleam like a gold and I will disintegrate into the universe out of flying felicity.
*Sunaina’s book, Sanely Insane is available on Amazon and you can buy it here.
